Ready for some spontaneous human combustion? The excitement continues here at Big Handome now that Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) is guily on seven charges (that’s all of them, for those keeping count at home) of corruption for taking gifts from folks including a home remodel and furniture from savory types like oil companies. Our first post in our ongoing but infrequent ‘What up, lawya?‘ series was about Uncle Ted getting indicted, and now we’ve seen this one through to completion.

Best of all? Senator Stevens has decided he’s not dropping out of the senate race in his home state of Alaska. While we often encourage and engage in such ballsy/unrealistic/foolish behavior (Handsomely, of course), this is an especially ludacrous (awesome?) move because it may jeaopordize the Republican’s chances of holding their senate seat in Alaska. Our observations and prognostications after jump:

• Stevens’ wife sort of sold him out with a poor and inconsistent performance testifying. Hell of a way to pay back a husband busy working hard, cohorting with evil oil men, and lying the family’s way into a new house. Sheesh.
• Senator Stevens (whom we will soon be referring to as ‘Jailbird Stevens’) will begin hand exercises to be certain he can keep the soap nice and safe.
• Bridges to Nowhere lobbying groups are suddenly seeing a drop off in support.
• Alaska will be the tipping point in the election toward giving the Dems ‘the magic 60.’
• We originally thought ‘the magic 60′ was something you did to a girl on a third date, but some ‘fact checking’ ruined the fun of that one.

From the desk of Nicole Parra (now across the street)

The state budget of California remains at a standstill, so what are our fair legislators working on? If you said “the 2008 California Budget,” you’re wrong. When a recent draft of the budget went to vote, Nicole Parra (D – Hanford) was kicked out of her office as punishment. And not just downgraded to smaller quarter a la “we’re no longer the majority party” style – Nicole was kicked across the street.

Oh snap! Dismissed from office (literally) – call your lawya: “Best review my contract, barrister. I’m still majority party, lawya! Working on getting it passed to my constituents.” Nicole – we wish you were busy getting your act together. Hell, we’re to the point we think every elected offical in California is a no talent ass clown as this point (excpet Michael Machado – who we simultaneously fear and wildly respect). Beyond that, Nicole, stand up for yourself and do what any American would do: file suit and mount a massive PR campaign to try the case in the court of the public. Demand your office back! Have your lawya file that everyone else be put in contempt for cramping your freedom of speech and/or representing your constituents. File for an office continuance, counsel!

For seriously – get your act together California representatives, or I’ll call my team of lawyas. We don’t know much about politics, but this seems ridiculous. Constituents want a budget, and reps’ faithful staffs and state workers (some of whom are also our only readers – what up Sac Town? What up lawyas?!) have been working thier butts off while you worry about petty shit like whose office goes where.

He won't be this smug after dropping the soap.

Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) was indicted today on corruption charges for ‘making false claims.’ This is pretty awesome for a few reasons. First and foremost, the (very, very, very actually the oldest serving) senior senator is up for reelection this year against a strong Democratic candidate. Hell, he’s up against some other people in his party who in all likelihood less evil than Ted Stevens. Also, Senator Stevens’ actions over the past four decades have proven him to be very un-Handsome.

Like anyone in a pinch, Ted Stevens knows who to call: “What up, lawya? I know my rights; those are just some gifts, counsel.” What sort of false claims has he been busted for? Namely, that the internet is not a truck. WRONG. It is – an incredible truck with lots of pornography. It’s too late to turn around and give back the millions of dollars worth in free home renovations (courtesy of your local oil companies), but Senator Stevens, this is no time to give up. Call yo team! “Whaddup mouthpiece? Need to put a little spin on some ‘ffairs of mine…”

You’ll find that going forward we’re usually rooting for the men in trouble; we all make mistakes and need someone close by with a clear head and sound advice.  But not in this instance – Ted Stevens, as noted, is a complete fuckface. He argued about net neutrality but had no idea what was at stake.  When an Association member’s beloved home state of Louisiana was completely underwater and abandoned by the government he was fighting in the Senate to build a ridiculously expensive bridge to nowhere, and that’s just the tip of

Until next time, keep your friends close and your lawya closer.

PS – check out this ridiculous techno remix of Senator Steven’s famous “Series of Tubes” speech: